As I've gone through the process of deconverting from my previous faith-based religious views, I've often wondered what in the world I'm supposed to do with my life. If I'm not going to serve God and devote my life fully to His will, then what am I going to do? How is one supposed to live after going through life thinking I'm a child of God, chosen by Him to accomplish His purposes on this earth?
At times I would think I'd devote myself to my job. I'd do the best I could, learn the IT industry inside and out, learn to code, try to help a lot of people, make lots of money, give lots away, and live life for my work. I've also thought about just living for what makes me happy. To explore, go out, go on adventures, travel, eat, drink, and be merry. I've thought about just living normally, having a few hobbies, getting three square meals a day, 8 hours of sleep per night, flossing at least once a day. But, as the days go by, I continue to have the desire to do something big. Something similar, in a sense, to what I used to do.
I used to live life as a child of God as best as I could. I read the Bible a ton, studied religious books, prayed as much as I could handle, learned and taught Hebrew, moved across the country several times, traveled to places across the globe - all for my devotion to serving God as best as I could. Now that I don't consider myself a child of God anymore, I do not live this way. But I still have the desire to live that way for something. And I think I have realized (again) what that something is.
The truth.
When I was living for the Lord, I was doing it because I really believed it was true. As I learned and changed my mind both as a believer and then as a non-believer, I did so because I thought I learned more truth. And so, as I find myself again contemplating my life's direction, I realize that I need to continue on the path that I've always attempted to travel: the path toward truth.
I need to get psyched up again about living as best as I can for the truth, about reading a ton, not the Bible and religious texts, but my new "bibles": logic books, science books, philosophy books, epistemology books, etc. I need to be willing to move across the country again, to travel the globe, to take risks and live my life to the fullest - all for the sake of seeking the truth.
So, in a sense, I should travel the the same path, and still serve my "god", just not see things exactly the same as I did before. And that the whole point: to find out what is true and what is not true - and then change my life accordingly. But what should never change is the goal: to seek and know and do what is true.
So, I hereby rededicate my life to the truth. Let's get 'er done.
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Friday, August 10, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
My Story: Part 7
My Story: Index
Continued from part 6...
Debi and I talked quite a bit about our new-found realizations.
One thing that started to depress me was that, if all the commandments of the Torah were still valid, then everyone I knew was breaking a lot of commandments! (At the time, I thought that all believers, whether Jew or Gentile, were obligated to keep all of the laws of the Torah. Later, as I continued to learn, I changed my mind about this. More on that later.) I knew that if I saw a fellow believer committing a sin, I should tell them about it, and help them to repent. However, after I read Restoration, all I could see was how much my friends and I were sinning! And I felt paralyzed to do anything about it.
Since I was still on the ship heading back to the States, had a lot of time to read, pray, and reflect on this. I read all of Lancaster's books that we had on board, and any other "Messianic Jewish" books by other authors, too.
I didn't tell many people the details of what was going on with me. I felt too ignorant, confused, and, due to the knowledge of all the unknown sinning going on, even depressed about it.
When we got back to the States (January of '07), I couldn't wait to get on the internet and start researching. I found that Lancaster was a teacher at a congregation in my home state of Wisconsin, and that his congregation had a website on which several of his teachings were posted. I immediately downloaded all of them, and put them on my mp3 player to listen to while working. (This practice I'd been able to continue for several years, and it has been the source of much of my learning.)
Two of the most influential teachings that I listened to were Lancaster's series on the book of Acts and the book of Hebrews (and several years later, on the book of Galatians). It appears that these teachings have been taken down. However, many similar teachings can be found at www.bethimmanuel.org and www.ffoz.org.
Needless to say, I started keeping as many of the commandments as I could. I stopped working on Saturdays, I celebrated the Feasts, I stopped eating pork and shellfish, I wrote commandments on my door (cf. Deut. 6), I threw away my clothing of mixed wool and linen fabric (cf. Deut. 22:11), etc. My Christian friends and coworkers were a bit taken aback, but in general they let me do my thing.
At first, one difficulty of keeping the Torah was that I was lonely (and a bit bored) doing it alone. Well, not completely alone, but almost. What I really wanted was a community of Torah-keepers to belong to. So, after doing a bit of research, I decided I wanted to visit Mr. Lancaster's congregation, Beth Immanuel, in Hudson, WI. The only problem was that I didn't have any money, and thus no way to leave Friend Ships.
One day, however, I had received some cash from a friend that I had met in Virginia. He'd heard that I was in need, and had the generosity to send me some money. This allowed me to take a bus to a friend's house in Texas, where I was allowed to live and work for the summer of 2007.
I continued to try to keep the Torah, and became more convinced that I needed to belong to a Torah-keeping community.
When I saved up enough money, I took the bus up to my parent's house in Wisconsin. I informed them of my plans to visit Beth Immanuel in Hudson, and prepared myself to leave.
On sort of a whim, I thought I'd look in the Hudson newspaper (online edition) for apartments and jobs near Beth Immanuel. Surprisingly, I found a cheap room for rent that was 2 blocks from the congregation. Not only that, but I was able to set up an interview for the following week at an aircraft component repair station in Hudson.
"Hm," I thought. "Instead of just visiting Hudson, I could actually move there."
And that's what I did. I got a ride to Hudson from somebody I found on Craigslist, and moved into the room on Orange St. in Hudson just as soon as I got in town. A few days after that, I had gotten the job at the aircraft repair station, and was attending Beth Immanuel on a regular basis. It was August of '07.
Wow, life can change so quickly.
Needless to say, the Beth Immanuel community was a little shocked at my arrival. However, I think they soon learned that I was sincere and not too crazy to be much cause for worry.
For the next four years, Beth Immanuel and community life was almost all that I was really concerned about. I immersed myself in learning, reading, Torah, etc. (I had a lot of beliefs that I needed to un-learn, as well, and then learn again, only properly) I developed some great friendships with people who were of like-mind. One reason I was excited to live in the community was that there were several people living there who were much more educated in Torah than I was. By spending lots of time with them, I was able to acquire lots of information (and inspiration) that propelled me toward greater understanding and observance of Torah.
That's what I'll write about next.
Go to part 8...
Continued from part 6...
Debi and I talked quite a bit about our new-found realizations.
One thing that started to depress me was that, if all the commandments of the Torah were still valid, then everyone I knew was breaking a lot of commandments! (At the time, I thought that all believers, whether Jew or Gentile, were obligated to keep all of the laws of the Torah. Later, as I continued to learn, I changed my mind about this. More on that later.) I knew that if I saw a fellow believer committing a sin, I should tell them about it, and help them to repent. However, after I read Restoration, all I could see was how much my friends and I were sinning! And I felt paralyzed to do anything about it.
Since I was still on the ship heading back to the States, had a lot of time to read, pray, and reflect on this. I read all of Lancaster's books that we had on board, and any other "Messianic Jewish" books by other authors, too.
I didn't tell many people the details of what was going on with me. I felt too ignorant, confused, and, due to the knowledge of all the unknown sinning going on, even depressed about it.
When we got back to the States (January of '07), I couldn't wait to get on the internet and start researching. I found that Lancaster was a teacher at a congregation in my home state of Wisconsin, and that his congregation had a website on which several of his teachings were posted. I immediately downloaded all of them, and put them on my mp3 player to listen to while working. (This practice I'd been able to continue for several years, and it has been the source of much of my learning.)
Two of the most influential teachings that I listened to were Lancaster's series on the book of Acts and the book of Hebrews (and several years later, on the book of Galatians). It appears that these teachings have been taken down. However, many similar teachings can be found at www.bethimmanuel.org and www.ffoz.org.
Needless to say, I started keeping as many of the commandments as I could. I stopped working on Saturdays, I celebrated the Feasts, I stopped eating pork and shellfish, I wrote commandments on my door (cf. Deut. 6), I threw away my clothing of mixed wool and linen fabric (cf. Deut. 22:11), etc. My Christian friends and coworkers were a bit taken aback, but in general they let me do my thing.
At first, one difficulty of keeping the Torah was that I was lonely (and a bit bored) doing it alone. Well, not completely alone, but almost. What I really wanted was a community of Torah-keepers to belong to. So, after doing a bit of research, I decided I wanted to visit Mr. Lancaster's congregation, Beth Immanuel, in Hudson, WI. The only problem was that I didn't have any money, and thus no way to leave Friend Ships.
One day, however, I had received some cash from a friend that I had met in Virginia. He'd heard that I was in need, and had the generosity to send me some money. This allowed me to take a bus to a friend's house in Texas, where I was allowed to live and work for the summer of 2007.
I continued to try to keep the Torah, and became more convinced that I needed to belong to a Torah-keeping community.
When I saved up enough money, I took the bus up to my parent's house in Wisconsin. I informed them of my plans to visit Beth Immanuel in Hudson, and prepared myself to leave.
On sort of a whim, I thought I'd look in the Hudson newspaper (online edition) for apartments and jobs near Beth Immanuel. Surprisingly, I found a cheap room for rent that was 2 blocks from the congregation. Not only that, but I was able to set up an interview for the following week at an aircraft component repair station in Hudson.
"Hm," I thought. "Instead of just visiting Hudson, I could actually move there."
And that's what I did. I got a ride to Hudson from somebody I found on Craigslist, and moved into the room on Orange St. in Hudson just as soon as I got in town. A few days after that, I had gotten the job at the aircraft repair station, and was attending Beth Immanuel on a regular basis. It was August of '07.
Wow, life can change so quickly.
Needless to say, the Beth Immanuel community was a little shocked at my arrival. However, I think they soon learned that I was sincere and not too crazy to be much cause for worry.
For the next four years, Beth Immanuel and community life was almost all that I was really concerned about. I immersed myself in learning, reading, Torah, etc. (I had a lot of beliefs that I needed to un-learn, as well, and then learn again, only properly) I developed some great friendships with people who were of like-mind. One reason I was excited to live in the community was that there were several people living there who were much more educated in Torah than I was. By spending lots of time with them, I was able to acquire lots of information (and inspiration) that propelled me toward greater understanding and observance of Torah.
That's what I'll write about next.
Go to part 8...
Monday, February 6, 2012
My Story: Part 5
My Story: Index
Continued from part 4...
The journey home from Israel was quite eventful. We had some major engine problems, an injured crew member, an emergency stop in the Canary Islands, crew members quitting to fly home to the States, and some problems with the Spanish government, who put our crew on house arrest in the port of Tenerife. When it was all said and done, the trip lasted about 2 weeks longer than it should have.
All that extra time wasn't a problem for all crew members, however. Some of us (myself included) quite welcomed it. I didn't have much else going on in my life, anyway. Not until I started learning more about Messianic Judaism.
One evening, my friend Debi started talking to me about the Sabbath. She said that she thought believers should keep the Sabbath. I asked why. She then gave me a book, and asked me to read it. She said it had really gotten her to think about the commandments of the Old Testament, and how they might still be relevant for Christians today.
The book was called Restoration, by D.T. Lancaster. I quite confidently took it from her and said, "Ok, Debi. I'll read it." But not at all did I expect it to influence me.
As soon as I began to read it, I realized that, if it was true, then I needed to undergo a significant paradigm shift. Before I read that book, I understood that some of the laws of the Old Testament had been fulfilled by Jesus, and thus no longer were meant to be practiced. Ever. They were gone for good. After I read that book, and several other similar ones, however, I understood that none of the laws of the Old Testament were fulfilled in the sense that they no longer were meant to be practiced. How did this happen to me?
Just before reading that book, I had come to a very meaningful realization, which I had prayed quite a bit about. My prayer was, "God, what's the one thing you want us to be concerned with? What's the most important thing on Your priority list?" The answer came when I understood the following argument (at the time, I didn't express the argument this way, but now, after having taken a course in logic, I try to form arguments like the following).
Premise 1: The most important commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. (and the second is like it, etc. etc.)
Premise 2: To love God means to keep His commandments (1 John 5:3, John 14:15).
Conclusion: Therefore, the most important thing is to keep His commandments.
In other words, I realized that God wanted obedience above all else. (keep in mind, I realized this before I read Restoration.)
This was a big realization for me. First of all, to a charismatic, evangelical-type Christian, it sounds totally legalistic, and Christians usually avoid legalism like the plague! Second of all, it wasn't what I had always been told was the most important thing, i.e. faith in Jesus. However, I think I was able to reconcile and put behind me these two concerns when I reconsidered what faith in Jesus was. I started to see it as a form of obedience in and of itself. Faith in Jesus, I reasoned, could be seen as a form of obedience to the commandments "Repent, and accept Jesus into your heart." According to this understanding, obedience was the foundation of faith in Jesus. Obedience brought salvation through faith in Jesus; it was the root of faith itself! So, after reasoning through these issues, I was even more convinced that obedience should be my highest priority.
However, (still before I read Restoration) something was really bothering me. It was the question "well, what commandments do I keep?" Surely, if obedience to God's commandments was the most important thing, then there had to be a list of them somewhere. I didn't know of any list, per say, except for the commandments that were mentioned throughout the New Testament. (I didn't really consider the commandments of the Old Testament) So, I started reading a brand new New Testament with pen in hand, and underlined every single sentence or fragment that could possibly be considered some sort of commandment. If the verb was an imperative, I underlined the sentence. I also started to write out those sentences in list form, which grew to several pages very quickly.
As I did this, I noticed that many of the commandments of the New Testament were pulled from passages of the Old Testament. They were direct quotes. So then my question became, "what commandments of the Old Testament are still in effect, and which ones have been fulfilled?" I was beginning to think that I should err on the side of caution, and keep more commandments than necessary, rather than keep less commandments than necessary. Honestly, I wasn't really sure where to draw the line. And that was about the time that I read Restoration, which spoke directly to that very issue.
One of the main premises of Restoration is that the New Testament has been grossly misinterpreted by the Church, mostly as it regards the commandments of the Old Testament. Indeed, if the conclusions of the book are true, then the Church has been very wrong about the commandments. But how was I convinced? What arguments changed my mind?
Those are what I'll write about next.
Go to part 6...
Continued from part 4...
The journey home from Israel was quite eventful. We had some major engine problems, an injured crew member, an emergency stop in the Canary Islands, crew members quitting to fly home to the States, and some problems with the Spanish government, who put our crew on house arrest in the port of Tenerife. When it was all said and done, the trip lasted about 2 weeks longer than it should have.
All that extra time wasn't a problem for all crew members, however. Some of us (myself included) quite welcomed it. I didn't have much else going on in my life, anyway. Not until I started learning more about Messianic Judaism.
One evening, my friend Debi started talking to me about the Sabbath. She said that she thought believers should keep the Sabbath. I asked why. She then gave me a book, and asked me to read it. She said it had really gotten her to think about the commandments of the Old Testament, and how they might still be relevant for Christians today.
The book was called Restoration, by D.T. Lancaster. I quite confidently took it from her and said, "Ok, Debi. I'll read it." But not at all did I expect it to influence me.
As soon as I began to read it, I realized that, if it was true, then I needed to undergo a significant paradigm shift. Before I read that book, I understood that some of the laws of the Old Testament had been fulfilled by Jesus, and thus no longer were meant to be practiced. Ever. They were gone for good. After I read that book, and several other similar ones, however, I understood that none of the laws of the Old Testament were fulfilled in the sense that they no longer were meant to be practiced. How did this happen to me?
Just before reading that book, I had come to a very meaningful realization, which I had prayed quite a bit about. My prayer was, "God, what's the one thing you want us to be concerned with? What's the most important thing on Your priority list?" The answer came when I understood the following argument (at the time, I didn't express the argument this way, but now, after having taken a course in logic, I try to form arguments like the following).
Premise 1: The most important commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. (and the second is like it, etc. etc.)
Premise 2: To love God means to keep His commandments (1 John 5:3, John 14:15).
Conclusion: Therefore, the most important thing is to keep His commandments.
In other words, I realized that God wanted obedience above all else. (keep in mind, I realized this before I read Restoration.)
This was a big realization for me. First of all, to a charismatic, evangelical-type Christian, it sounds totally legalistic, and Christians usually avoid legalism like the plague! Second of all, it wasn't what I had always been told was the most important thing, i.e. faith in Jesus. However, I think I was able to reconcile and put behind me these two concerns when I reconsidered what faith in Jesus was. I started to see it as a form of obedience in and of itself. Faith in Jesus, I reasoned, could be seen as a form of obedience to the commandments "Repent, and accept Jesus into your heart." According to this understanding, obedience was the foundation of faith in Jesus. Obedience brought salvation through faith in Jesus; it was the root of faith itself! So, after reasoning through these issues, I was even more convinced that obedience should be my highest priority.
However, (still before I read Restoration) something was really bothering me. It was the question "well, what commandments do I keep?" Surely, if obedience to God's commandments was the most important thing, then there had to be a list of them somewhere. I didn't know of any list, per say, except for the commandments that were mentioned throughout the New Testament. (I didn't really consider the commandments of the Old Testament) So, I started reading a brand new New Testament with pen in hand, and underlined every single sentence or fragment that could possibly be considered some sort of commandment. If the verb was an imperative, I underlined the sentence. I also started to write out those sentences in list form, which grew to several pages very quickly.
As I did this, I noticed that many of the commandments of the New Testament were pulled from passages of the Old Testament. They were direct quotes. So then my question became, "what commandments of the Old Testament are still in effect, and which ones have been fulfilled?" I was beginning to think that I should err on the side of caution, and keep more commandments than necessary, rather than keep less commandments than necessary. Honestly, I wasn't really sure where to draw the line. And that was about the time that I read Restoration, which spoke directly to that very issue.
One of the main premises of Restoration is that the New Testament has been grossly misinterpreted by the Church, mostly as it regards the commandments of the Old Testament. Indeed, if the conclusions of the book are true, then the Church has been very wrong about the commandments. But how was I convinced? What arguments changed my mind?
Those are what I'll write about next.
Go to part 6...
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Update
Thankfully, I've gotten a new job and a new apartment. I've been at the new job for a almost 2 months now. It's a job that requires significantly more mental energy that my previous job, so I can't listen to mp3s all day long. However, the salary is better. I'm able to spend money on important things and life experiences, which is very nice.
One thing I've spent money on lately is travel. This year, I went to Washington D.C., Sundance, UT, Boston, NYC, and Chicago a few times. Each trip has been with family, which is really important to me.
I'd like to get moving again toward my goals of studying and learning, but I've been tired due to work. I'm happy for the little bit of learning that I can do via my mp3 player during my rides to and from work.
I'm pretty sure that my new job is not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. I'm thankful for it, though. It's good for me at this point of my life. I'm learning a lot about computer science, which has been a goal of mine. So, there are some great things about my job. However, I know that my job won't satisfy the desire I have to become an expert at something really important in life.
One thing I've spent money on lately is travel. This year, I went to Washington D.C., Sundance, UT, Boston, NYC, and Chicago a few times. Each trip has been with family, which is really important to me.
I'd like to get moving again toward my goals of studying and learning, but I've been tired due to work. I'm happy for the little bit of learning that I can do via my mp3 player during my rides to and from work.
I'm pretty sure that my new job is not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. I'm thankful for it, though. It's good for me at this point of my life. I'm learning a lot about computer science, which has been a goal of mine. So, there are some great things about my job. However, I know that my job won't satisfy the desire I have to become an expert at something really important in life.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Book Blog 6: 50 Years from Today
I've finished the book called 50 Years from Today.
I am surprised by the amount of emphasis that each author put on the issue of climate change. This could have happened due to an agenda that the author had, but even if that was true, many intelligent authors explicitly mentioned the significance of this issue.
I am excited by the emphasis that the authors put on the issue of technological advancement. There was a range of opinion, with some stating that technology will continue to make our lives better, to some stating that technological advancement will put us on a roller-coaster of dramatic life change over the next century and beyond.
Another exciting emphasis of the book was the great potential for medical science to treat, if not cure, many of the terrible diseases that plague us today. These authors are definitely pro-vaccine, pro-genetic engineering, and pro-evidence-based medicine. There were not many mentions at all of the need to come out against these things in favor of homeopathic methods, organic farming, or faith-based approaches. Again, this could be an agenda of the editor, but many authors did explicitly mention the importance of being in favor of these issues.Conclusions:
This book has excited me for the future. It has increased my hope in the potential of humanity to continue to progress against causes of suffering in the world. I hope we use this potential for good, and learn to seek together for that which is true while the ecological and social environment in which we find ourselves continues along its path of potentially drastic change.
I'm left with the question, "What is the most important thing I can do in order to bring about the most significant positive change?"
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